What Will "They" Think?

There is yet another "must" that works on many of us. Certainly it was a major force for me. This is the feeling that "they" will think badly of us. They are parents, neighbors, friends, relatives, coworkers, doctors, grocery store cashiers, and on, and on, and on.

This kind of obligation is about our sense of ourselves. Really, most of us rarely interact in ways that touch on our family situation except in very limited circles. Yet this feeling of "everyone" watching us; judging us; can be very strong. And since "they" are really not watching that much at all, it is really is us who are watching ourselves. 

Ultimately, it boils down to a preconception we carry around with us. Probably in large part it comes from the positive strokes we have received over the years. We have been appreciated for being a good father, a good mother, for having "made a success" of our lives, and so on. And we accept that to be "good" we have to go on in this mode. And this if we don't, we'll be condemned by others. And we feel this is important.

For some of us, this can be a challenge, because to overcome this  we must come to know ourselves in a different way. The thought that "I am a good father because I have a job and a home and an intact nuclear family" needs to be set aside. It needs to be replaced with thoughts that are centered in more basic ideas. "I am a good father because I care about my children. I have the courage to truthfully assess the goodness of their lives. I am willing to do what is needed to make them most complete." And, as I'll talk about in the next section, "I am a good man because I love and care for myself."

So ultimately, we must seek out the basic ideas that motivate our lives. These are our morals; our deep values. They have to be deep enough to transcend situations, so we can use them judge situations. Then, when we decide to make changes that run contrary to what we think "they" want, we can feel secure that we have acted in accordance with our deep values; that indeed, although "they" may not feel comfortable with what we have chosen, we know that we done the right thing.

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press