What Happened to Me?
(A full text excerpt from the book)

The one person, and the one obligation, that is neglected most by nons is the obligation to ones self.

We are taught in life to persist. We are taught to finish the job; not to give up. We are taught, in short, to use our will to push ourselves to do the "right" things. And this is a big, big problem for many of us.

Feelings over Thoughts: The problem with will is that it puts our thoughts in charge to override our feelings. The idea is that we know with our thoughts what is right, and our feelings are selfish, weak, greedy, lustful, and otherwise wrong. So our feelings make us want to do things, but our correct and right-mined thoughts tell us what is really right, and will the force that makes the thought prevail over the feeling.

And the thing is so terribly wrong in this model is that our thoughts are never more right than our feelings. Could it be so? 

Indeed, it is so. Peck speaks to this very nicely, and the section here on depression and the unconscious summarizes his view. When we use will to enforce our thoughts, we sicken ourselves. Because we are doing the wrong thing.

Perhaps this is a bit of a leap. But our feelings are the ultimate arbiter of what is right and wrong. They come to us through prayer, meditation, or stillness. They are, in essence, our path or channel to God. They are, indeed, the highest power in our lives.

Self-Love comes First of All - When we allow the truth that we find in our deepest feelings to become the guiding force in our lives, we discover that indeed I am of paramount importance. The force of will, pressing us to stay in a hurtful place, is gradually replaced with the truth from our inner knowledge. We are obligated above all to care for ourselves. 

This message comes very clear from inside. The depression, the frustration, the anger that our unhealthy relationships cause, all of these clamor for change. They are the feelings - the signals - that we are neglecting ourselves. And ultimately we must respect this obligation to ourselves, or we will perish. We will disappear as our spirits are pressed by abuse into smaller and smaller spaces, with greater and greater pain. Ultimately, our protection mechanisms will relieve this pain - by dissociation, by denial, by altered awareness, and ultimately by death

Children need us - Last, many of us lose sight of the primary importance to our children of our own mental and spiritual health. We use our will to overcome the pain, resentment, and deprivation of our abusive and isolated lives to provide that intact family that we so over value. Yet we lose sight of the damage that is done to us by this choice. We lose the balanced perspective we need to see how our parental interactions and parental models are diminished by the hurt we suffer and the abuse we allow.

Our first responsibility to our children to be healthy ourselves. We would never choose to be physically unable to care for them. We have the same obligation to stay mentally and spiritually able to care for them. As nons we must fight for this well being. For many of us, it can only be found by leaving the relationship. If this is true, we are obligated to do this - to leave the relationship - if we are to provide the nurture and care that our children need. 

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press