Tears and Healing
(A full text excerpt from the book)

I don't know about you, but I've shed plenty of tears on this long road. And think I've finally figured out how this works.

Spirit/Mind I go back again to Peck (and I guess I should say that Peck goes back to Jung, if you're into psychology). He teaches that depression results from a disconnect between our conscious and our unconscious minds. I'll take some liberty with this and put this another way. The problem is a disconnect between our spirit and our mind. Your spirit is you - it is the complete, full, good and healthy you. It is the vital energy that drives your life. It is the source of joy and inspiration. Your mind, on the other hand, is really a garbage can stuffed full of thoughts that have been shoved in there by you and the people you've been around. And when I say garbage, for those of us in long term relationships with BPs, I mean garbage.

You see, we may think we know what we think, but I realize now that's not so. What we think is a conglomerate of all the stuff that's been said and done to us. I might sit here and say to you, "I know I'm a faithful husband." And you would think that means that I think I'm a faithful husband. But not so fast.

I have somebody helping to shape these thoughts about me - an abusive spouse. And she tells me over and over, in a pretty violent way, that I am NOT faithful to her. My reason and logic says "I've never done anything unfaithful." But that's not what I think. The doubt has crept in, and what I think is really that I'm not sure if I'm a faithful husband.

Now, my spirit tells me that I'm faithful, and moves me to be faithful. But my mind, now polluted with thoughts stuffed into it by an abusive spouse, isn't sure. This disconnect is going to cause problems. If it's important to me, it's going to make me depressed. I'm going to feel badly about myself, have less energy and initiative, and the other manifestations of depression. Now bear with me because I haven't gotten to the tears yet.

Now let's follow the unfaithful example along a bit further. Let's say I'm feeling depressed about this. And I have a chance to talk with one of my close friends. I don't really know I'm depressed about this, because I think I know what I'm thinking (that I'm faithful), so I don't know to ask for help with it. But I do know that I'm sick of hearing this from my spouse. And when I mention it to my friend, the first words that come back are "Of course you've been faithful." And suddenly I'm holding back tears.

Tears come when you release the conflict - What triggered the tears was a change in my thoughts. Someone said something that helps to reverse the conflict between my spirit (I'm faithful and want to be) and my thoughts (I'm not sure because my abusive spouse tells me over and over I'm not). It unwinds some of the thought training that caused the conflict. 

Think about your own experiences. Surely you can remember times when a friend or family member has reassured you about some aspect of yourself around which you've been attacked. And you have this upwelling of tears. It certainly has been consistent in my life.

Tears are Leading You to Your Whole Self - So tears, in effect, are pointing out the path to freeing your whole self. When you well up, think about what positive affirmation you've just received. This is an area where you need more conscious work, thought work, to retrain your thoughts to match your spirit. And I can guarantee that the retraining means shoving positive thoughts into you mind - into your memory bank of experience. 

This is the learning for me. It happens a lot to me, because my wife has attacked my character in every imaginable way. And she has shoved a tremendous amount of garbage, and I mean garbage, into my thoughts processes. I'm learning now to give up the "I know I'm a good person" routine. Logic doesn't cut it. It's experience that defines what we know, and abusive experiences load us with garbage about ourselves. I know now, from being aware of my tears, that I'm really not sure if I'm faithful, and I need to get some input on that. Over and over. Because she's abused me over and over. And it isn't going to go away with one little reassurance.

Pay attention to the message - The other learning is that, if tears are signaling me, I need to deal with that issue. I might not like it, but I need to. Because it's about a violation of my spirit. This is where a lot of nons could learn more about why they're unhappy with their relationships or their situations.  Let's say I'm being given a thought about divorcing my wife and finding someone else that can smile and be happy with me, and it's making me cry.  I better think about that. Because my spirit is calling for something. The thoughts in the garbage can are saying "I won't leave my wife." But the spirit is making itself felt. It needs more. I need more. I need a relationship in which I'm loved and valued, not degraded. There's no point in dodging it. And antidepressants won't make that go way.

Let me give another example, something has come to me recently. I pretty much admit to being an emotional teenager, so it should be no surprise I listen to a lot of popular music. Lately I've been having some pretty strong emotional reactions to songs that deal with gratitude and complete, balanced relationships. This was a tricky one. I know enough now that when I'm welling up, there is a message there I need to find. But I kept thinking that I wanted to fall in love, or I wanted to be in love again. That doesn't really fit what I know about myself right now, so I kept pondering this. And finally, I got an insight that I think explains the message. 

These songs are about gratitude for complete relationships. And the insight here is that there is an aspect of me that I think is pretty important that has never been validated. I'm a very giving person. And even the face of miserable NEC behavior, I gave my wife a lot of love and care. The problem is simple: she never acknowledged or appreciated what I gave her. So the learning here is simple: find a relationship with someone who can accept, appreciate and acknowledge my love. Wow. Sounds simple. But it took some determination for me to ferret that out.

For some painful thoughts on terror in our lives, see My Private War.

Tears - they tell us so much about where we need to go. They are the guiding lights of recovery. To follow that guide, it will take help from others and courage . But that is the path to wholeness, to true satisfaction - the path to the light.

Now, if this made any sense to you, you probably should jump over and read the page on love vs. in love, which has some more about this healing process.

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press