Splitting and Abuse

Splitting is a variation of black-and-white thinking, or as the diagnostic criteria for BPD describe it, extremes of idealization and devaluation. What I want to talk about here is the extreme of devaluation, what I'll call splitting evil. In some cases, it becomes permanent, which I call splitting out of existence.

Hey, while you're thinking about this dichotomy between her angelic side and her truly disordered side, I will share a little of my own trials. Since you decided to major in NG history you know that I fell in love with a young skater. I had not seen her for 2 years, but skating being a small world it was only a matter of time. I re-encountered her this past week, which partly explains why I'm so tired.

Like you, I have not the nicest interactions with my - shall we say - friend, since there was no intimate relationship - at least not romantic. About 2 months before I stopped being around her, she split me in a very bad way. Since at the time I knew nothing of BPD or splitting or black-and-white thinking or even any famous 21st century philosophy, this was devastating. She ran away from me as if I had assaulted or abused her. In fact I had been very, VERY caring toward her. It was BP crazy-making in its purest form. Well, after 2 years of zero contact, she is still reacting the same way to me - as if I had abused her and might again at any moment.

Deedee has been kind enough to work through some of this with me. This helped me a lot to accept and understand what is going on inside her. Most probably, she was abused at a very young age. This usually involves an abusive mom or caregiver, which fits what I know about her. This gets the wiring crossed in the child, and it associated caring and intimacy with abuse and the horrible pain and fear that it brings. This continues into adult life if it is not addressed in therapy.

For me, her dynamic played out this way: being a naive non, I was supportive and caring of her - realizing how much she needed it. She, needing it greatly, wanted to be open to this and accept it. But since I AM a truly caring person, this resulted in feelings of nurturing and intimacy, which connects with pain and fear. Thus she would pull away. With time these feelings would pass and she would come closer again. It was off-on with her.

Eventually, I believe that I reached a point where she felt that I truly cared for her in a loving way. When I finally TOLD her how strongly I felt and how much I wanted to be with her, she split me evil. Deedee suggests that at that moment, the intimacy (and sexual attraction since she may well have been abused sexually as well) connected these feelings of pain, fear, shame, and guilt with ME. From that moment on, when she saw me, she acts as if she has these feelings. She probably now has them JUST from seeing me.

Now to get back to the angel part, we have a similar cross to bear here. To me, in my mind, my friend was a beautiful person who needed love and caring (and medication and therapy) to heal and become whole. And I always thought of her as that beautiful person. I now realize that she is so fundamentally damaged that she can NEVER be that beautiful person to me.

In essence, she creates an ILLUSION of that person in her appearance, her hair, her clothes, the way she speaks, the way she moves, and so on. But it isn't real. She is NOT like that. She copes with her pain and confusion by presenting to the world the most attractive image she can. But come close, get inside that protective shield, and there is a high voltage emotional short circuit waiting to jolt you. I am now trying to adjust my concept of her by thinking of her dying as a small child at her mothers hand. It is a very painful thought, but probably the most realistic way for me to let go of the precious person I thought I had found.

The truth is that my friend will NEVER be what I thought she was. She just has no chance. For me, she is a hurtful, abusive person. Hey! Just like my ASW! A matched pair. But that's another non story. Anyway, I have not written about this before, and I thought you might take some solace from some company in your misery. You and I both have some work to do on learning to recognize the REAL angels around us, some of who have been known to go by Mohawk names.

Answering Those Downside Questions

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press