$20.00 More on this book

Understand Your
Emotions

$20.00 More on this book

Understand Their
Behavior

$14.00 More on this book

Understand the
Attraction

Living with a Sociopath Partner -  
You're not Crazy
(Chapter 3)

For many of us, struggling to live with an abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Whether you call it sociopath, psychopath, or antisocial personality disorder, or the person has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or alcoholism, people who suffer from these disorders have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. Living with them is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.  

It might be tempting to think that all the madness in your life is the result of your partner's disorder. But in reality you are experiencing the interplay of you and your partner's disorder. It is only by understanding how you and your partner function, how his or her personality disorder affects his or her behavior, and how you interact, that you can begin to really judge what is happening. 

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can't deal with the reality of their behaviors. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. "I don't have a BPD. YOU Have BPD." Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It's your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah...

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO's (significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.

What's more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People with all of these personality disorders - borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder - have serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship with someone with these personality disorders that the abusive behavior comes out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don't see it, causing us further confusion.

The different disorders have different underlying themes. People suffering from borderline personality disorder respond to some events with extreme fear of abandonment - events that would have little meaning to a healthy person.  Similarly, those suffering with narcissistic personality disorder respond with extreme defensive actions to events which they feel would make others think they are flawed.  Those with antisocial personality disorder lack normal feelings of responsibility and compassion and thus have little motivation to restrain their reactions. And alcoholics can show any of these, while at the same time their natural inhibitions from hurtful behavior are suppressed by the intoxication. Years of intense intoxication further disrupt the normal functioning of their minds.

All of this leads to a lot of confusion for those of us unlucky enough to be in committed relationships with someone with a personality disorder. My own experience was with someone who probably would have barely diagnosed at her worst - and definitely not at her best - with borderline personality disorder. What I have learned, as I have begun helping people with broader experiences, is that much of what I learned about abuse and borderline personality disorder also applies to narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder.

Through all of this runs a strong link to alcoholism. AA and Al-Anon have a culture that treats alcoholism as a disease alone and apart. Thus, people getting support through these channels may be led to think that there is nothing more to learn beyond alcoholism and spiritual growth. Yet this approach leaves some things unexplained. They talk about "dry drunks" and problems that persist long after alcoholics get sober. Why is this so? If addictive use of alcohol is the problem, why don't things improve when the alcohol abuse stops?

The reality is more likely that alcoholism and other addictions, like pot/marijuana, prescription drugs, cocaine, etc, are the result of a personality disorder. In the case of my ex-wife, a mixed addiction to alcohol and prescription psych meds was the result of self-medication to deal with the emotional pain of her disorder. Addiction is extremely toxic, and greatly worsens the effects of a personality disorder. But if the substance abuse stops, the underlying personality disorder is still there.

Thus, understanding how a partner with borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, alcoholism, and substance abuse will interact with us is essential if we are to get a handle on our situations and our own lives.  And to begin with, we have to realize that even though we are victims of a prolonged distortion campaign and may feel very confused about things, WE ARE NOT CRAZY.

Where are you going to find this all explained? In Tears and Healing, Meaning from Madness, and In Love and Loving It - Or Not!, the books by and for those surviving a relationship with a disordered significant other. Buy Tears & Healing now using the buttons in this table to pick the edition that works for you. Pick the triple-pack or the other books above.

Ready to read it right now? Get the e-book delivered by email in minutes - worldwide!  $20 delivered by email.	e-Book
Dying to read it now, but still want the paperback? No Problem! Get the e-book in minutes and the paperback by mail. $29-US;  $32-Canada; $33-England, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, other countries  (usually 4-7 days)	Quick-Pack
Have Tears & Healing delivered and in your hands in 2 or 3 US mail days for $25.00    (US Customers - choose US Priority Mail Shipping)   Live in Canada? Have it in your hands in about one week  for $26.00 (Global Priority Mail Shipping)   England, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, other countries? No Problem! Have it in your hands in 4-6 days for $27.00   (Global Priority Mail Shipping)	Paperback

Not ready for that leap?

Get free sample sections by email!! - Click Here for a one-line Sign up

Why do they do it?
Meaning from Madness
(paperback)

Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Borderlines, Narcissists, and Sociopaths

Also by Richard
$20
Click Here for More Details

Struggling with feelings of love for someone hurtful?
In Love and Loving It - Or Not 
(paperback)

also by
Richard
$14
Click Here for More Details