Onions and Scrambled Eggs
( A full text excerpt from Tears and Healing)

Many nons feel that there is a "good core" in their BPSOs, and that, much like an onion, they can somehow peel the layers of the disorder away, revealing this beautiful core diamond. Of course, most all of us live (or did) with behavior that varies all over the map from violent to adorable. Is it just a layer?

If you're going to make good decisions, it's important to understand what you live with. First, let's look at BPs who are sick, in denial, and don't accept responsibility. This isn't a mood. This isn't a passing state. I'll say more about healing later, but to begin, we need to keep in mind that BPs are disordered and will stay that way until they accept responsibility for themselves The idea of a shimmering diamond is enticing, but is it there? 

One analogy I have used around this issue is:

"My H is really a good, law-abiding person. It's just that every once in a while he robs a bank. But really, deep down inside, he is a good, law abiding person."

The only way I can make sense of this kind of alternating behavior is to back up from it. In my mind, the basic truth is:

Good, law-abiding people don't rob banks.

When you see someone rob a bank, you know they are not a law abiding person.

I would apply this to a definition of a loving person:

A loving person does not demean, derogate, hit, kick, spit on, or rage at other people.

When you see these behaviors, you know that you are not seeing a loving person.

A disordered person is just that: disordered. There is no gem of personality inside the disorder - it makes up the person. This is why they are called personality disorders - because they disorder the entire structure of the person. Living with a disordered person and thinking there is a sparkling diamond waiting for us to uncover is unrealistic. We can never peel this onion. A BP is more like a scrambled egg. The tendency to be loving and good is intertwined with the compulsion to be hurtful. There is not some diamond inside, covered by a crust. The whole person is disordered - scrambled, if you will. You get it all together, or you get nothing. You might read the Parable of the Tree.

Projected diamonds: And what is it that makes up this scrambled mess? Is it a diamond? Is it the precious person we imagine? Well, only healing will tell, but it's not likely. The "ideal" persona that we sometimes see in our SOs is not an expression of their true self. It is a facade, held up to avoid rejection. Surely that cannot represent their core. And like everyone, we project our own wishes and desires onto others, including our SOs. "Oh, isn't she sweet?" we coo at a toddler, even though she may be far from it. It is what we value and wish to see. And we do this with our SOs. I talk about this a little in On Changing Values. Our perceptions of our SOs are distorted by both their ideal facades and our own projected desires.

Not our onion: More importantly, even if this were an onion, it is not our onion to peel. Only the disordered person can choose to do that. It is not our responsibility to do that; it is not within our power to do that. If we are focused on "helping" our BPSO, we are in the wrong place. We need to be focused on helping ourselves. It is up to our SOs to choose to change.

BPs and Healing

In my page on memory shapes us, I described a model for how abuse affects us. One part of that model is the life energy that I believe we all possess, which I call our spirit. This is the wellspring of all our motivation and the source of the energy that drives our lives. Everyone has a spirit, and that includes BPs. Indeed, BPs seem to have a tremendous life energy drive - it's just that it finds expression in unhealthy and hurtful ways.

The wonderful aspect of our spirit is its phenomenal power to heal us. When we can open ourselves to its energy and its messages, it can empower and enable us to achieve amazing things. Even healing a personality disorder. 

To make this happen, the BP must assume responsibility for their life and their behavior. Once someone accepts that they are responsible for the choices they make and the way they behave, they can then begin to tap that life energy and use it for healing. But it is almost a catch 22 - a primary defense for BPs is denial and blame shifting; so before healing can start, denial must stop. But this means a big part of the disease must stop before healing can begin. What a mess!

And, when healing takes place, the person must be melded from what is present and what is learned. Old coping habits must be dropped; new ones substituted. Patterns of thought must change. Yes, the spirit within that person can emerge, and can find expression as complete person. But the shape of that newly formed diamond is unknown until it is formed. It is a rebirth and reformation process who's outcome can't be known beforehand.

Staying Realistic

My point in saying this is not that we must all abandon everyone who is not well. But we need to be realistic about what we are living with. Loving people don't abuse. Abusers are not loving people. And no matter how much we love our SOs, as long as they remain in denial, our love will not bring out some precious hidden personality. Only our troubled partners can make the choice to take responsibility for their own lives and strive to be well. . Those that choose to make life changes can overcome their compulsion to be harmful and evolve a new and unknown personality. Unfortunately, few BPs will make that choice. 

A stable, loving partner can help reduce the compulsion to be harmful, but doesn't generally bring forth a loving relationship. Therapy and medication can help, but generally only to reduce the intensity and frequency of the harm. If the BP does not make the gut wrenching commitment to take responsibility, things will never be normal.

The diamond is an illusion, painted by them to overcome the problems they know they have; reinforced by our projected needs. Or, in my case, a fantasy inspired by outward appearance and my projection of an idealized "inner spirit" (the diamond) onto her.

Regardless of whether our intention is to stay, be ambivalent, or go, it is important to get a realistic perspective as soon in OUR lives as we can, and understand the key difference between denial and assumption of responsibility, so that we can better deal with what confronts us.

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press