On Seeking Permission

Most everyone takes marriage vows very seriously. We are ingrained all our lives to see them as the most sacred of promises. And most nons hold their promise to their spouse as their highest commitment.

Unfortunately, for some the pain of the relationship truly tests this commitment. When things reach the point where vows are pulling in one direction, and our need for safety and sanity pulls in the opposite direction, it's a time to seek a higher perspective. Everybody sees this a little differently, but you need to connect with your highest authority, and seek the most fundamental answer to the question: Is what you are doing wrong?

Our obligation to our spouses is but one obligation among many we have. We also have sacred obligations to nurture our children and even to love ourselves. I wax philosophic about this on Metaphysics of Detaching. To nurture our children, we must ourselves be whole and functioning. What are we to do when our commitment to our marriage jeopardizes our ability to fulfill our commitment to our children? This is especially critical for those non whose spouses are partly or totally unable to provide nurturing for their children. If not us, then who? Can we allow the illness of a spouse to put our children's care in jeopardy?

Seeking Permission

For many nons, the situation boils down to a choice: either we keep our commitment to our spouse and lose our own peace, and even the ability to care for our children; or we choose to step outside the bounds we have set in our marriage commitments, and take care of   ourselves and our children first.  Most of us have very difficult time accepting the second choice. And Ultimately, to do so, we need to be granted permission to step outside the bounds of our vows.

For those with strong belief in God, this can be found by seeking God's will. This will come through prayer, reflection, and scripture.  We need to ask whether God intends for us to suffer in this way, or whether He instead grants us permission to care for ourselves and our children, in the face of terrible pain, by stepping outside those vows.

For me, I find this authority within myself. I believe that my spirit ultimately defines truth and right. I sought, through meditation and reflection, to connect with those most basic feelings. When I did, I found that I was freely granted the right to do what was right for me, to say NO to the hurtful behavior, and to do things I thought others would disapprove of. But in fact, no one disapproved. Ultimately, the choices I made were accepted by those around me.

If you allow yourself to second guess what others are saying and thinking about you, you will almost certainly feel bad about your choices or worse. Remember, they don't know the reality; they don't know how sick you spouse is. In fact they probably have false data based on the "ideal" behavior that many BPs show in public.

You may find your highest authority through prayer, scripture, meditation, or any other way that works for you. Only you and your highest authority can truly assess your actions; grant you permission; and bless your choices. For many of us, this is a task of primary importance.

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press