Feeling that you have to stay -
Obligation:
The Hook
(Chapter 6)
Obligation is often the glue that sticks us into abusive relationships. Many of us get into
our relationships because we fall in love, or to fill in missing or denied parts
of our whole self. But even after we figure out that our partner has
narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, alcoholism,
or antisocial personality disorder, we end up staying in them because of obligation.
Obligation, quite simply, is the thought that we must do
something because of a requirement or expectation of someone or something that
is outside our own needs and wants. And often, our concepts of
obligation run completely contrary to our needs. We know we want something else;
we know we need something else; but we persist in what we're doing because we
believe that we must. Thus, obligation, together with fear, is what hooks us in and
locks us down in hurtful relationships.
My thoughts on these issues have been shaped by Peck's
writing and by Al-anon books. But
just as important is the personal insight I've gained from working through my
own obligation issues, and helping others on my support
lists work through theirs.
It seems like feelings of obligation comes in four basic flavors. The biggest
two are the feeling of obligation to stay faithful for life to a spouse, and the
feeling of obligation to maintain an intact family for the benefit of children.
Notice I said "feeling of obligation" and not just "obligation.
Why? Because these are, for most people, more feelings or beliefs than they are
true obligations. Whoa! What am I saying here?
Obligation is a true external compulsion, like paying income tax. Don't do
it, and someone will come and take you to jail. Feelings of obligation come from
within. They represent our belief system, but just as often, they are
unchallenged assumptions that we make. That's right. We actually create our own
"obligations" by thinking or surmising that others expect us to do
something.
This takes us to the last two flavors of obligation. First is the feeling
that "they" need me to maintain some state of quality. Who are
"they"? Good question. This was a fallacy I found in my own value
system. I had this idea that everyone around me had expectations of me. It turns
out not. These exist in our minds only. And last, comes the idea of obligation
to me, to myself. This is an area where many of us fall down. We forget to weigh
in with what our responsibility to ourselves is.
In this chapter I address all four of these areas, and share a little of my
own struggle to reconcile my expectations and obligations with what my spirit
was calling for.
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