Memory Shapes Us

The great thing about waxing philosophic about how the mind works is that no one can ever prove that you're wrong. Well, let's admit up front that the mind is a pretty complicated thing. I’m not trying to explain everything that happens in our minds. Specifically, I'm going to talk about two extremes that I have experienced: the aftermath of intense and prolonged verbal abuse on the one hand, and the approaching and striving for the ideal self on the other hand.

On another page I made a bad joke about building model cars or model airplanes from plastic parts and glue. That's one kind of model. But the kind of model I'm going to describe now is a way of thinking about how our experiences combine with our life energy and our thought processes to shape what we do and what we feel. Now, if I were a real hard-core techie (which I used to be before I started studying sport psychology), I would be writing mathematical equations down. But you're spared the mathematics. I'm only going to talk in general terms.

Three Parts

The model that has helped me deal with my own abusive experiences has three parts. 

Spirit: The first part, down in my chest, just below the sternum, is where I feel my life energy. I prefer for myself to refer to this as my spirit. This is where I physically feel my life energy, and where I physically feel my deepest and least cognitive feelings.

Thought: The second part of my model I feel in my head, mostly around my temples and behind my eyes. This is where I sense the activity of my rational thought. This is where, when I am struggling to comprehend something, I feel the tension and the energy build. This is where the wheels turn. The second part of my model is our thought or cognition.

Memory: So far I described two components, but without any context. It is the third component that provides this. It is this component that provides the basis of knowledge and understanding for thoughts. And also provides the impression of the world within which our spirit must live and function. This third part is our memory. And unlike our spirit, which is an energy and definition that we are born with; or our thinking, which is really a process that we can direct but not really control, our memory is something that we and others can freely, and sometimes destructively, manipulate. Memory is not something I physically feel, but when I relate it to my spirit and my thoughts, I like to envision it is a layer or barrier between my head, where my thoughts are, and my chest, were my spirit resides.

Memory Spirit

Now let me talk a little about how these interact. Bear with me here, because until I explain how these interplay, I really can't get to how this affects us. Let's start by looking at how memory interacts with the spirit.

Spirit drives our lives: I believe that our spirit is the essential driving force toward what we are supposed to be in this life. It is a phenomenally energizing source, and it also contains within it a complete definition of what is moral and good. If you are a Christian (for example), this energy and vision of right and wrong is what you might interpret as God's will expressed in answer to prayer. The energizing power that comes from our spirit could be interpreted as God's love for us. I believe that our spirits are unique, and each of us is called to some unique role in this world by our spirit.

Our spirit's job, then, is to direct our lives in a way consistent with our unique calling. And I believe it can do this in one of two ways.

First role:  First of all, when we are in a reasonably healthy state of mind, our spirits energize us with visions of greater things for ourselves, which lead us toward our unique calling. As an example, as I worked myself up from the depths of despair and abuse, I discovered that part of my calling in this world is to speak to others about healing and growth (which is exactly what I'm doing right now). Trust me when I tell you that this was never something that my cognitive processes would have remotely suggested to me. When we are safe, healthy, and relaxed, our spirit becomes free to empower us and guide us toward the things that we should be doing and our lives.

Second role: The second function that our spirit performs is to act as guardian of our life calling. And this is where memory comes into play. Our spirit is not in direct connection with either our thoughts or our sensory perceptions. It does not know what is around us in our world. Our spirit is completely enveloped within our memory. Its only understanding of what is happening in our lives comes from what we remember.

When our memories are in harmony with the direction our spirit leads us, we feel good. In this state, our spirit can erupt with a wonderful, energizing flow of vision, motivation, and fulfilling emotions. But when our memories are in conflict with the direction of our spirit, we become ill. We become distressed. We become depressed and physically sick. Peck talks about this, which I described in depression and the unconscious, but he doesn't talk about the role of memory, so his model is somewhat different. And I believe that when our spirit becomes busy sounding the alarm in this way, is unable at the same time to energize us toward the positive things it seeks for us in life.

Memory Thought

Now let's talk about how memory interacts with our thoughts. 

First way: Like the spirit, our thought processes operate in the context of our memories. Our memories are where our knowledge and understanding of the world is maintained. Our thoughts also are in direct connection with the perceptions of our senses. By senses I mean not just raw site, sound, smell, etc., but also more complete perceptions such as the understanding of things that are spoken to us or the meaning of images or scenes that we see, for example. As sensory input is received, we process that by thinking about it, and the way we think about it is determined by what we have kept in our memory.

Just to give a simple example, if a two-year old sees a porcupine for the first time, the child's reaction may be, "oh, a small furry animal. Good to pet. I will pet it." This is based on the child's memory of other small animals, which are good to pet. I, on the other hand, with my more complete memory, which includes memories of porcupines, see the same animal and know to steer clear. So one type of interaction between thought and memory is the processing of sensory input in the context of our memory.

Second way: There is however, the second way that thought interacts with memory. We can allow our thoughts to pass without retaining them, but if we choose, we can add to our memory from our thought processes. The simplest case of this is when we choose to remember something. Unfortunately, there is another way for things to get into our memory. If we feel or think an experience is important, it is likely to be impressed into our memory. If I start to step out into the street in front of a car and catch myself at the last second from certain death, I am likely to remember that. So too, if I see a skater I greatly admire win an Olympic medal, I'm likely to remember that. If someone walked up to me on the street and shouted in my face that I had stolen his wallet, I would probably remember that, too. And if my wife screams at me that I am a pervert and a pedophile and not fit to be a father, well, yes. I do remember that. Indeed.

You see, when we allow someone into our intimate personal space, especially if that intimacy is kept for a long time, then most everything that person says is going to be important. If  those things are not true, we still remember them. And they become part of our memory.

Memory is Finite: Now, our memory is not an unbounded thing. The things that we knew or believed in the past can be replaced in our memory by new experiences. Let's say, for example, that as a young adult I found that I was not very much of a people person. So my memory, which shapes both my thoughts and influences my spirit, has filled this memory space labeled "people person" with a dis-association with me. Later in my life, I might discover that I am able to help people in support communities, and people find me compassionate and inspiring, and that I feel energized and feel good about this. And over time, these experiences, which seem important to me, gradually overwrite that memory, so that I now have this memory space labeled "people person" filled with a positive association with myself. The old memories have been displaced by the new. You could call this learning or even re-learning.

Effects of Verbal Abuse

Abuse Overwhelms our Memory: Now with this, we can begin to understand what verbal abuse does to us. Some people will say and even honestly feel, "I can deal with this. I'm an adult. I know this is not true." But unfortunately, I don't believe this is true. Because when we are verbally abused, and hurtful untruths about us are told to us, often in the most forceful way, it IS important. And it IS retained in our memory. And if it goes on, it will eventually overwhelm our truthful memories and leave us with a memory system that is filled with hurtful, hateful lies. And this is the essence of how we are damaged by verbal abuse.

What does this mean? What does it mean if our memories are filled with lies; with vicious destructive untruths that demean us? Perhaps you might think, "So what if I remember that? I KNOW that those things aren't true. Why should they concern me?" And indeed, I believe that I probably thoughts such a thing myself at one point. But they do concern us. Remember, our memory is the context in which our cognitive thought processes operate, and it also provides the only perspective on the outside world to our spirit.

So, two things are going to happen. 

Thoughts are Distorted: The first one is that we begin to think irrationally-unrealistically-about ourselves. When we need to think about ourselves, our thought processes automatically refer to our memory for context. If my memory is filled with the concept that I am a pervert and an unfit father, no matter how untrue, my thoughts are directed and affected by these memories. It is impossible for me to think about myself without bringing the abusive lies in my memory into play. My thoughts are thus distorted, and the conclusions resulting from my thoughts reflect the negative, ugly lies embedded in my memory. No matter how much I might deny the reality of the lies, they had become part of how I see and think about myself. My thoughts are no longer balanced and realistic. And what is worse, these distorted thoughts can reinforce the lies in my memory and make the damage even worse.

Our Spirit is Violated: The second thing that happens comes from our spirit. Remember, our spirit is enveloped in a world view provided by our memory. The energy of our spirit drives us toward goodness and fulfillment of our life calling. And when my spirit find itself immersed with a view of myself that I am a pervert and an unfit father, it takes issue with this. It does not like this state of affairs. And it makes this known with emotional distress. It may take the form of depression, as I described in depression and the unconscious, or anxiety, and it may also make itself felt physically. Phsyical symptoms might be stress headaches, hypertension, hyperacidity, and in more severe situations, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. Verbal abuse makes us sick.

Recap

In other pages I will talk more about how we can reverse the damage from verbal abuse. But to close this page, let me just reiterate the basic concepts in this model. Our spirit is our life energy and directs us to positive and healthy choices that realize our unique life calling. Our thoughts and cognitions are the mental processes by which we process sensory input to make conclusions and choose actions. Our memory is the sum of our experiences, either events which are important for which we have chosen to remember. 

Our spirit knows only the world reflected by our memory. When our memory conflicts with the drives of our spirit, our spirit opposes this by sickening us with depression, anxiety, and physical distress. When our memory is in harmony with the spirit, our spirit energizes us and leads us to new and better choices and life. Our thoughts operate in the context of our memory, which define how we process the input we receive.

When we are verbally abused, the attacks are important enough that they are embedded in our memory. If the abuse persists long enough, the abusive assertions overwrite our truthful, realistic impressions of ourselves, and leave us with a memory that defines us in demeaning, negative, and hurtful ways. This impression conflicts with the positive life energy of our spirit, as a result our spirit signals us with depression, anxiety, and physical illness.

Now to do Something...

Now, please bear in mind that I am not submitting this to the Journal of Neurophysiology (assuming there is such a thing). I am not presuming to enable a surgeon to correct verbal abuse by excising some particular item of anatomy. What I want to do here is to build an understanding, in a way you can relate to, of how you can help yourself to heal from your verbally abusive experiences. Because you can undo the damage of hateful words, and there are definite actions you can take that can help you bring that to pass.

Do you know all you should about healing your hurts?

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press