Cutting Your Losses? or
Maximizing Your Gains

I hear a pretty consistent theme in the comments from nons who are in long term relationships. The idea is that things are tolerable; things are ok; or they're not ok but if BP spouse makes progress in therapy then things will be manageable. Nobody is ever happy.

The question that needs to be asked here is a simple one: What do you want your life to be? Do you want to keep working on and on to cut your losses and keep the situation bearable? Or do you want to take a new path, pay off those emotional debts, and start making something positive in your life?

Not that simple, though, huh? It's not. It's a daunting question. But I guarantee, if you don't work hard to answer it, you'll never get the answer. You'll stay where you are, stay unhappy, and each day you'll make a deposit of your life's energy into an account that will never have a positive balance. 

Answering Those Downside Questions

There are so many reasons not to change. It will be bad for the children. I will lose custody of the children. It will cost too much. I don't have a job. I would have to move. I would have to pay alimony. My spouse will fight me. I'm afraid he'll hurt me. And on.

The first thing you need to realize here is that, for the most part, you don't know what the outcome of these things will be. You are sitting in ignorance about what your future choices are. And because you don't know, you feel afraid. And because you're afraid, you don't do anything - like a deer caught in the headlights.

So, whether you are determined to stay, or just don't know what is the right thing to do, you owe it to yourself to fill in these gaping holes of ignorance about your options. How can you truly choose to stay if you don't know that other choices you have? So you need to do some hard work. And it is hard. Let's look at some of these issues:

• It's bad for the kids. Are you sure? What would it be like? What is it like now? How dysfunctional is your home? How badly are you affected by you SOs illness? How much more could you give your children in your own safe home? How safe are you children? How safe do they feel? What do you know about children who live with both parents? Have you discussed this with a counselor or therapist? Chances are, if you're here reading this, your children live in a home that hurts. You, as their one healthy parent, owe it to them to find out the answers to these questions. Have look at my page on obligation to kids.

• I will lose custody of the children. Will you? Are you an active parent? Do you stay close to your children? How does your spouse's behavior affect them? Has he/she been hospitalized? Have a record of behavior problems? What are the laws and customs in your state and county? Have you consulted an attorney? The reality is that you don't know until you really dig into it. Don't assume you lose. I didn't. I worked the hard stuff and I made it work for me. You might be able to do the same.

• It will cost too much. Well, this is a problem. But it doesn't have to stop you. You need money for attorneys. You might need money for psych testing. But you're living somehow now. If your spouse has income, do you know how you can get it? Do you know what the laws and customs are for support? In my state, if you file for divorce and live apart, you are entitled to support. If you live apart and have children, you are entitled to support. Well, it's not nice. But then, what are you living with now? Consult and attorney. If you really can't afford one, or can't pay safely, seek free counsel. Legal aid societies will provide this. 

•  I don't have a job. Another problem. But presumably you can deal with this. Is it real, or is it just a good reason to sit still?

• I would have to move. This isn't nice. But then, how was yesterday for you?

•  I would have to pay alimony. You might. I have to. And you might be able to survive it. Have to change the way you live? Maybe. Is it worth it? How can you know, if you don't know what kind of alimony and/or child support you'd be obligated for. An attorney can give you sense of this.

• My spouse will fight me. Same old same old. You deal with it now, don't you?

•  I'm afraid he'll hurt me. This is serious. But, are you afraid now? Probably? Have you sought protection? Shouldn't you? Is this how you want to live? Is this love? Is this caring? Don't answer that! Whether you stay or go, you need to deal with violence. You just cannot stay on in an physically unsafe situation. Contact a local domestic violence hotline. Ask for help. Call the local police, explain, and ask for help.  If your SO hurts you, call 911. This one is important. Protect yourself no matter what you do for the future. 

What About the Upside?

If you stay, you fight and fight to keep your losses down. Things hurt, your needs aren't met. You are squashed.

What if you take a new direction? What if you say "No more!" to a partner who can't care for you? How many times have you longed for a partner who could genuinely smile at you? Someone who actually cared about your feelings? Someone who you disagree with and still be happy? Someone who could - God forbid - love you? Time to go read the page on love vs. in love.

There is another world that can be found. It may not be easy, it may not come fast. But when you stop the madness you give yourself the chance to reach for the sky. But only you can extend that reach. Only you can make the choice to grow. Only you can stop losing and start working to win in your life.

(RightNav)

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press