Al-Anon on Detaching

At a time when things felt so terribly beyond my control, Al-Anon books helped me acknowledge my feelings and come to better acceptance of what was happening. This passage in particular helped me when my wife was in crisis:

[Let go and let God. It sounds so simple. But when our circumstances or the circumstances of those we love weigh heavily on our minds, we may have no idea how to do it. ... Many of us review the same scenario again and again, looking for that elusive answer that will solve everything... At the same time, we wish we could just quit fighting ourselves. As long as there is a chance of figuring out a solution, we reason, we should keep trying, even if days or months of such efforts have led to nothing but frustration and an increasing sense of desperation and urgency. We may secretly feel that this problem is too important to trust to God, as if we had the power to prevent Gods will from unfolding by the mere exercise of our resistance. We fear that if we surrender, anything could happen - our worst nightmares could come true. 

And in a way that is true: anything could happen. Even something wonderful. 

Actually, anything could happen whether we let go or not. It is an illusion that as long as we cling to the situation we have some control and can prevent distressing outcomes from touching our lives.  Surrender means accepting our powerlessness to change many of the realities of our lives, even when we find those realities to be devastating; it means trusting instead in a Power greater than ourselves. Faith has been likened to being in a dark tunnel and seeing no glimmer of light but still crawling forward as if we did. Though our circumstances my seem dark indeed, when we turn to a Higher Power rather than to our own stubborn wills, we have already begun to move toward the light. (emphasis mine) ]

I know now that the best thing to do in my situation was not what I thought it was. I wanted to hold on at all costs to the "situation", and I've written about how I felt obligated to my wife and my children and the grocery store clerk. I thought above all I needed to preserve a nuclear family and blah blah blah... 

Ultimately, I had to let go and let things find their own course. For me, that led to separation, and a lot of time and effort to ensure our children were well cared for. I've written about how this responsible care for them enabled them to sail through separation without emotional trauma, or even an apparent hiccup. As I write this, I plan to write another new page describing the amazing improvement in my STBXW after almost a year and a half on her own. And, yes, I am better off now too. 

Faith allows amazing things to happen. 

The book is "In All Our Affairs-Making Crises Work For You" by Al-Anon Press.

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© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press