Abandonment/Vulnerability 

The flip-flop of emotions in a BP relationship can be devastating. This is usually called abandonment/engulfment. I've been split into oblivion by two women I've gotten close to, and I struggled to understand the dynamic. Based on this, I take a little different view. In this, I've been influenced by an interesting book - "Struggle for... Intimacy"  - on the behavior in intimate relationships of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) .    

Abandonment: BPs, ACOAs and other unlucky souls were abandoned as children. Not that they were left on the steps of an orphanage - that would have been much preferable. These people were abandoned up close and personal. When they needed love and support from their parents, their parents were right there to NOT give it to them. Moreover, they were told, over and over, implicitly and explicitly, that they were despicable people and that the terrible problems in their families were all their fault. They emerge from childhood feeling that they are terribly faulty people and that no one will ever be there for them. To protect themselves from the pain of this belief, they put up a mask of very together behavior so that others won't see how awful they are.  

So into their adult lives you come, attracted (so they think) by this false facade. They don't realize that you actually see their flaws. They are terrified that you will see through the facade and discover what an awful person they are. Once you see this, CERTAINLY you will abandon them just like their parents did. They struggle make the mask perfect, but it can't be done. At some point, some error, some tiny flaw (trigger) becomes evident.

Well, the game's up; you know now how faulty she is. All you have to do is not fall down over yourself reassuring her, and that's proof positive that you're outta there. She's gonna freak out and all kinds of strange behavior comes out.

It might be projection: "There seems to be a problem here. It can't possibly be me. Therefore it must be you." And since you have a problem bad enough that you would abandon her over it, it looks pretty bad as your problem too. And you're gonna catch it for that.

Or, you may be hoovered with all her might, trying to put that facade back in place and make things right. Or she may go to great lengths to get you to reaffirm your devotion to her, to the point of threatening suicide.

Vulnerability: Well, here I take a little different spin on things form the standard "engulfment" idea. I find it makes more sense to think of this in terms of vulnerability. Let's explore the childhood experience again. Here you have a child who needed emotional support. She opened herself up emotionally to her parents to receive this support. Instead she received emotional or physical attacks. She has learned that to stay safe, she must not expose her vulnerability to anyone else.

Of course, everyone wants intimate emotional support. And as adult, she may eventually give in to this desire and start to open herself to you. She wants loving intimacy. But her childhood experiences force her to be on high alert for attack. After all, this is all she's ever known. Unknowingly, you rub you nose the wrong way. Well, her parents always did that. This is a sure sign that you are secretly planning to attack.

Your ruse is up. Just as you thought you were getting close to her, you had to go and rub your nose the wrong way and spoil everything. She sees through you now. You are just like her parents, and emotions take over. Her fear is overwhelming, and causes her to attack back, or run. Maybe both. She may be so frightened by being vulnerable to you that she may turn you into the evil torturers that she had to live with as a child. It's not that she thinks you're like them. She's not thinking at all. The emotions are in control. As I like to say: emotion overwhelms cognition.

Your tiny action (trigger) was enough to make you fit the pattern, her fears were unleashed from inside, and you are now a terrifying attacker. You might even be split right out of existence - simply become a non-entity. After all, that will at least make her safe.

So I like to think of it as abandonment/vulnerability. Her self-loathing leads her to be sure you'll want to abandon her as soon as you see through her. Her experience being attacked as a child means she will sense an impending attack when she makes herself vulnerable to you, and push you away to stay safe. 

Don't leave me; you're terrible - the two edges of the BP sword. 

The book is "Struggle for ... Intimacy" by Woititz.                 

© 2004-6 Richard, 21CP and Dalkeith Press